Saturday, October 16, 2010

Thoughts on Death, Dreams, and the Betweens...

For an obvious reason, Death is always on my mind. I suppose I'm slightly morbid but it has directly affected my life in the past and through this, I learned to embrace it as just another beautiful part of this life. Yes, It's a topic that most people don't want to discuss or consider to be inappropriate to discuss, but, when am I ever actually appropriate? ;)

Moving on now.... When Ryan died, I stopped dreaming. I don't know the actual reason why, all though I am aware that in the stages of sleep, I was probably burying my situational depression by sleeping heavily and not ever actually reaching my REM stage.... but it's whatever. I just dealt with it. Then when I started dating John, I started to dream again. Not a lot, I can now maybe still only recall one a week but at least I've been dreaming again....

Yet, the last two have bugged me a bit... Ryan keeps coming into my dreams... Now before you think I'm getting all funny, no, not like coming into my dreams with a message or anything psychic wise, but just IN the dream, as if he never left this life. The first dream, he just appeared, like he had come back from the beyond to take care of his children.... The second dream (last night) we were at his parents house and I turned around and he was standing there hugging his mother. He was dressed like John but it was him. In each dream though, I am still aware that he is dead. It's like my subconscious and my conscious are fighting in my dreams....

Then it dawned on me today.... my aunt is nearing her final stages in her fight with cancer. My mother has been filling me in and we are all aware of which road this may take for her. Of course, we hope for the best, but I've learned in my career and in life that hoping for the best yet expecting the worse is the more common sense approach to death. This aunt was probably one of my closer relatives growing up. One of the aunts I saw more and I played with her kids growing up too....

Maybe this impending sadness is what is triggering these dreams? Maybe I chose to live life most days without thinking about the ACTION of death and when it surfaces, maybe it's when I feel the closest to death via Ryan...

Either way, music has always been my savior. Music and lyrics written by talented artists can sometimes feel that void I have when I'm at a loss for words. Lately I've been in love with Mumford and Sons (thank you hubby :). They have a song called Timshel that has to be one of the best songs I have heard that I interpret to correlate with thoughts on death.... Have a listen if you care too and I even put the lyrics on for you to follow along...

So with my dreams, death, and music.... this song grants me some peace :)

Cold is the water
It freezes your already cold mind
Already cold, cold mind
And death is at your doorstep
And it will steal your innocence
But it will not steal your substance

But you are not alone in this
And you are not alone in this
As brothers we will stand and we'll hold your hand
Hold your hand

And you are the mother
The mother of your baby child
The one to whom you gave life
And you have your choices
And these are what make man great
His ladder to the stars

But you are not alone in this
And you are not alone in this
As brothers we will stand and we'll hold your hand
Hold your hand

And I will tell the night
Whisper, "Lose your sight"
But I can't move the mountains for you

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