Tuesday, July 26, 2011



I feel like talking about boobs today.

It's been on my mind a lot lately.


Well I recently tattooed a voluptuous set on my right arm....

Because of this artwork, I apparently invited others' opinions and let me say this... People LOVE to share their opinions about my Earthen Goddess... some admire it while others revile it.... And the negative comments have even caused me to be a little upset at times, wondering if I should cover her up and doubting myself for tattooing breasts on my arm....

But why do I feel this way? It also makes me wonder, am I raising my children correctly? Am I teaching them about boobies openly and honestly? It also really made me think of how I myself view breasts....

Here are some conclusions I have come to terms with in regards to boobies....

I love boobs. I think breasts are beautiful. The round curvature, the delicateness of the skin, the way they can compliment a figure.... all that makes them beautiful. I also love that breasts come in all different shapes and sizes. There are little boobies and ginormous boobies and all other sizes in between. I notice other females breasts and yes, I admire them. It makes me even more aware that all of us females are still so uniquely different from each other. That difference is beautiful and it's part of what makes breasts beautiful as well....

You know what else makes them beautiful? The fact that they can SUSTAIN LIFE. They aren't just fun bags or sacks of fat. They have the incredible ability to provide nutritious food for our children that we birth. Since the dawn of time, us human's have suckled at the breasts of our mothers. We are born with primitive reflexes, that which one of them is the ability to feed from a breast. They are essential to sustain the human race. I find it mind blowing how important boobies really are....

Yes, I think boobs are BEAUTIFUL. Not just in sight and appearance but also in functionality.

Because I think they are beautiful, I don't hide them from my children's eyes neither. Yep, you guessed it... my boobs are not always covered in my house. Now before you jump to conclusions, no, I don't just walk around nekkid all day long... but reality check, we are a family of 5 that live in a ONE bathroom house, boobs are GONNA be seen. And I personally don't make any gallant efforts to cover them if any of our children are in the vicinity or path of me walking from the bedroom to the bathroom. I have always taught them in this manner.... seeing them should not cause a dramatic reaction. If I do catch them staring at my boobs, we stop and have a conversation about what breasts are and what their purpose is. SO far, they all have the ability to explain to you exactly what they are for.... feeding babies.

I love the sexuality behind boobies too.... Yes, I have many feminist beliefs and among them is that it's OK for my breasts to be viewed as sexual. This sexual allure is part of that initial attraction between two human beings. It can be the beginnings of what brings two people together to want to create a new life through intimate moments. I love the fact that my husband desire's my breasts :) It leads us to share our bodies with each other which leads to a happy and healthy marriage.

So after all the doubt and concern I had over my tattoo.... I realize after breaking it down here that I absolutely, positively LOVE my tattoo. I love the opinions I have received about it, the good ones AND the bad ones. Those comments and opinions have pushed me to really think and articulate just how I feel about boobs. Those very same comments and opinions have also made me strive to teach my children about boobies and the human body in general... that our bodies aren't shameful, or dirty, or something that can't be discussed if they have questions about them.... I hope they grow up into young men that respect a woman's body because their mother respects it in the ways I just stated.

All that from a tattoo.... (Jeesch, I think too much)... but in the end, as my husband has stated.... "Everyone loves boobies!"

Even me.

Wednesday, July 20, 2011

(5 Years Later) Hello My love...

Hello My Love....

It's been 5 years.

5 years since your sudden demise.

5 years since I told my babies that their daddy went to live someplace else....

5 years since I thought my world had ended...

And yet, it was just beginning.

I can tell you that I have manifested into a woman that all though I will never forget July 20th and July 21st, I am a woman who has learned that it no longer needs to bring me to tears.

5 years later and we are all still living and growing.

5 years later and I am proud of the children I was blessed to have with you.

I'm sorry I don't visit your grave very often..... I'll come clean... I don't like graves. I don't like talking to a piece of stone. Graves are just a "thing" in my world. I can't see you, I can't hug you.... and a grave gives me no solace. It only reinforces the fact that you are buried underneath 6 feet of dirt. But it's your body that's buried. Not you. Why would I go to a grave when I know that your spirit is everywhere.... for all I know you are standing in front of me, behind me, or right beside me.... No one knows what the ever after brings until your there... and I chose not to warp our children nor myself by crying, standing at a piece of man made stone. Your spirit is everywhere....

5 years later and I'm still striving to be part of your family...

I just took the boys to your family reunion and it meant a lot to me... I got to introduce them to their family, the family that still cared enough to invite us (thank you Kathy!!). It's very important to me that the boys stay involved and have a good knowledge of who their daddy was and where they come from... VERY important. I'm not one to ever bash family ties, however I won't take it lightly when my boys are disappointed neither.... 5 years later and I'm still holding on to a flame that your family promised to stay involved.... and I mean to keep them involved to the best of my capabilities... I won't sacrifice what we believed in and how they shall be raised, but I will always and forever honor and respect their heritage.

5 years later and I'm rather proud.

Your children are simply put, amazing. Every single one of them have you inside of them.... I can pick out each and every characteristic of how each one is like you. Every single day they push me to my limits and yet I still love to embrace them at the end of a day. Being a parent is probably the most difficult thing I've ever done in my life... especially with out their father by my side. Yet I think I'm doing OK. I think someone blessed me with the graces of treading this water without you.

5 years later and I'm happy.

I'm sure you know but there are good people in the world. There are men that will stand up and take responsibility where there is absence. I have met one of those men. Without ever having met you, he knows you, and he respects you. He has embraced me, you, and all of our children as his own life. He loves them as if they were his own.... some may scoff, some may not agree but when I see him share an embrace with Zane, Izeah, or Zak, I know for a fact that he is sincere.... and I will not get in the way of our boys having a father. We all know who their biological father is but I'm lucky enough to tell everyone I know that they have 2 fathers now... one who watches over them and one who takes care of them.... He wants to adopt them... I think I will let him :) I think you would be proud.

5 years later and I will still never forget where I was on this day 5 years ago... I think about this time I was probably out smoking (because I tend to do that a lot).... 5 years ago I was trying to wrap my head around the fact that you were dying and there was nothing, absolutely nothing, short of a miracle that could change the stars. I remember feeling numb, feeling like this was happening to someone else and not me...

5 years later I still feel all of that... but it's different now... I took what I felt and I've learned from it, grown from it. I've gone places, seen things I wanted to see, done things I've always wanted to do... I've tried to not to take life for granted. You taught me all that. You taught me the most important lesson anyone can ever learn in their life... that each day is a gift, it's a true miracle. Respect what is given to you and never ever take it for granted.

I would hope that from where ever you are you are smiling down on us... smiling down knowing that your children are in fantastic hands.... that they will live a life that you would be proud of....
I would also hope that you would be proud to know that I found love again... and that I was willing to embrace it and not hold onto a memory of you that is like holding on to the wind... it can't be done.

5 years ago today I understood what death meant....

And yet I'm still here, living this life...

I will always and forever love you, there is no doubt in my mind about that. Yet I can't love a memory, I can only love what you gave me.... I love every piece of what me and you made together, and I love the fact that you were in my life for a short time. I love what you taught me and I love how much I've grown from it....

5 years later and I'm still here... wrapped into these feelings and emotions, yet so much more intelligent and wise about how short life itself can be...

5 years later and I just want you to know that I think of you every single day. I yearn to hear your voice again and watch you pick up your children. Yet 5 years later, I get to watch another man pick up your children and love them as if he has your heart within himself....

5 years later..... I still remember... I love you... and yet, life moves on :) I love where we're at right now and all I can really say after 5 years is.... thank you.


Friday, June 10, 2011

How Does Your Garden Grow?

Since I haven't been blogging regularly, it would help to explain why......

What's that? A Garden!!!! I, personally, have been gardening for ohhhh.... 10 years or so? Now my husband is just as obsessed with gardening :) Each year is such a learning experience and each year it gets bigger and better. We have progressed from a simple garden of tomato's and pepper's to now interweaving crops and many different varieties. We used to just run to the store and buy the plants but now we are learning about and have started a lot of our garden from seed. This year, I'm trying to learn about seed saving so that we can harvest our seeds for next year and possibly participate in a seed exchange locally! Hopefully in a few years, we will have all seeds saved and be advanced enough to have to spend virtually NOTHING to start our garden! We make our own compost and this year we were able to use our OWN mulch on 1/4th of the garden for weed control!

Is that a picnic table? Yeah, we don't get to eat on it too often anymore :) It has become more of a work station :) We actually might look into purchasing another one because we LOVE to eat outside in the summer but we also love having this one to work on so we aren't killing our backs bending over all the time :) My husband is the "flower" person, I am the "veggie" person.... nice match huh? So a lot of these pots are his, growing flowers from seeds he has saved....

So many have asked what we have planted? Well lets break it down a bit....

Above is what it looked like in the VERY beginning....

Now it's FULL! I have created a "list" of our garden inhabitants for the year and
I have included links... LOTS of links. If we bought the seeds from Seed Saver's Exchange (SSE for future reference) then the link takes you to their page of information on that plant, if we didn't buy it there, then the link takes you to images of what the plant is like.

Tomato's (Total of 12 plants)
3- Two Mr. Stripey plants bought at Teske's
4- One Beefsteak plant bought at Teske's
5- One Jubilee Heirloom plant bought at Teske's
6- One Lemon Boy plant bought at Teske's

(Mr. Stripey)
(Eva Purple Ball)

Pepper's: (Total of 7 plants)
2- One Sweet Banana plant bought at Teske's
3- One Orange Sun Bell plant bought at Teske's
4- One Costa Rican Sweet Red Hybrid plant bought at Teske's
5- One Purple Beauty plant bought at Teske's

(Variety of Peppers)

Vegetables: (Lot's of variety here)
1- Five Premium Late Flat Dutch Cabbage plants from seeds bought at SSE (NOTE: I think we planted these a bit too early so may have to replant in the fall)
6- Two Homemade Pickles Cucumber plants bought at Teske's
7- One mound of Mexican Sour Gherkins started from seeds bought at SSE (NOTE: I have one bloom that is struggling so I waited until temps increased and I have reseeded)
8- One mound of A+C Pickling Cucumbers started from seeds bought at SSE (NOTE: Same as Gherkins, I have reseeded)
9- Eight Packman Broccoli plants bought at an unknown store by John
10-Six Cauliflower plants purchased from Nostalgia Farm's at our local Farmer's Market
11- Six Napa Cabbage plants bought at an unknown store by John
12- One potato plant in a bag received as a Mother's Day gift from Izeah :)

Notes: We also purchased Calabrese Broccoli seeds and Early Snowball Cauliflower seeds from SSE but for some unknown reason, we had trouble starting them from seed this spring. Our plan is to do another round in the fall from seed to have a double crop.

(Amish Snap Peas)

(Climbing French Green Beans)

(Homemade Pickles Cucumber plants)

(A carrot seedling)


(Premium Late Flat Dutch Cabbage)

(Napa Cabbage plants)

(Broccoli plants)

Greens and Lettuce:
2- One row of Vivian Lettuce (a type of romaine) started from seeds we purchased 2 years ago
3- One row of Little Caeser Lettuce started from seeds we purchased 2 years ago
5- Eight Arugula plants purchased at Home Depot (NOTE: These are bolting, see what I wrote below)
6- Two Fire Lettuce plants we received from Let Us Farm Inc. at Fun Night at school
7- One row of America Spinach started from seeds bought at SSE (NOTE: I had to plant these twice, first time had no results, 2nd time, I have Spinach!!!!!)

(Five Color Silverbeet Swiss Chard)

(Seed Saver's Lettuce Mixture plants)

(Little Caesar lettuce plants)

(Vivian Lettuce plants)

(Fire Lettuce plant)

(Izeah's Potato plant)

We also have a variety of potted plants and herbs:
1- Two pots of Strawberry Plants purchased online by John
2- Two pots of Sweet Basil plants purchased at Home Depot
3- One pot of Oregano we have had for 2 years and it's still growing!
4- One pot with a Red Rubin Basil plant bought at Teske's
5- One pot with two Purple Basil plants bought at Teske's
6- One pot of Cilantro started from seeds we have had for 2 years
7- Three mounds of Garlic we received from John's Dad
8- Three mounds of Chives we received from John's Dad




(Red Rubin Basil on left, Purple Basil on right)

(Sweet Basil plants)



As I talked a little bit above... the below pic is Arugula. We are going to attempt seed saving this year ourselves.... this pic was taken about 5 days ago and shows how it is bolting... but in the last few days, there are now seed pods on it!!! The plants are leaning over so I'm going to assume the pods may burst soon so I will be working to harvest them following this website's advice. I will be reseeding through out the summer for tender Arugula and hopefully have a great crop in the fall when the temps wind down a bit!

(Bolting Arugula)

And just for fun.... here's my flower lovin' hubby and his "I love this shit and hate this shit" fun face ;)

Oh yeah, we grow kids too (hahaha) Apparently they need a lot of water to grow :)

So after what seems to be the worlds longest post on gardening, that's our garden in a nutshell. This year we are going to start keeping records of where our plants have come from, how they have produced and if we harvest the seeds from them for another year...

We also had a small sad disaster.... we had storms with straight line winds blow through early Thursday morning and it bent all of our broccoli and snapped 2 cauliflowers clean off at the roots :( I have staked the broccoli up now though and it's just fine :) I replanted the remaining roots of the cauliflower and now we're waiting to see if they take hold! First day they looked bad but today they might have hope!!! Cross your fingers!

Happy Gardening everyone! :)

Friday, June 3, 2011

Living My Life

Oh you know me... just thinking out loud here...

I'm sure many of us go through tough times.

I'm sure many of us wish our lives were different or we feel like we are lost in the "busy-ness" that is life.

I know I'm victim.

Maybe victim isn't the right word... but I can't think of another....

I've thought about this a lot in the last few years... thoughts on having lots of children and living the life that was handed to me. How it has twisted many times.... how there have been numerous forks in the road... how I think about choices I have made in the past and how they will affect my present and my future....

Yes, even the ones who appear to be "supermom".... hate to burst some bubbles but some of us supermoms don't have it all together all of the time.

So I start playing the "what if" game. What if I had made different choices? What if I had chosen different paths? Would I had more time to focus on me? Would I have more time to pursue the person that I "think" I'm meant to be? Would I have more time to pursue my hobbies and interests? Even the little things.... Would I be able to eat a quiet meal with no interruptions?

Would my life be better?

Short answer?



Life is what it is. You make choices and life happens to you. There is no controlling this. You are subject to whichever god is out there or whatever the universe has planned for you.

But every time I get upset thinking my life could have been different, I think of all the wonderful things that I DO have in my life.

Zak-- you are my first born. The VERY FIRST thing in this life that showed me what true love was. No man before you EVER could make me want to sacrifice my life for another human being... until I had you. You have blessed me with the ability to be completely selfless over and over again. You were the first step in me becoming an adult, and a mother. And tonight? I got to jump up and down with joy because you hit that ball into the outfield. You were beaming with pride. And in all the busy activities of getting to your game? It was instantly worth it to see you so proud.

Izeah-- Never in my life have I ever imagined I would have a child that is "hard to please" :) You don't just readily smile at every person who passes you by.... you are calculating and thoughtful. You have made me work so hard at so many points in my life, just to get you to smile. You have shown me what determination means. You also brighten my day with all your craziness. Tonight? You told me, "Mom, I need surgery because I have these JIGGLES" as you twitched up and down the sidewalk we were walking on.... Oh my goodness child, I about peed myself with laughter.

Zane-- My third and final child to come from my womb. With your fiery red hair and hella attitude.... you really rock my world. You are the first one to greet me every morning with out fail and the first one to make me laugh (last weekend, he was a wolf, howling at 6 AM). You are hilarious and a true joy to be around. You have also taught me that children come in all shapes and sizes. You may not be the top of your class at school, or you may stutter over your words, but you are the brightest and funniest little man I know. You have spirit, and you have energy inside you that just can't stay bottled up. Tonight? You were so thoughtful bringing Izeah's DSI to dinner, so caring to remember your brother and how "bored" he might be... you care so much that it makes me care just as much.

Kayla-- Oh my teenager... how I fear for you in this great big world. You are so intelligent and mature that I often times forget that you are only 14. I frequently try to play boss just to insure the fact that you don't grow up too fast and miss the fun things a childhood has to offer... but I remember, I remember being 14 and all I wanted to do was grow up... I get it, I really do. I know I've done my job as a parent though if you don't like me once or twice in your teenage years. Teaching you about rules and limits is my job, my job as a parent, and one I believe in. You are so beautiful though, and it scares me... you will never have to want for what other girls have.... you are truly a beautiful rose in my world and yes, I will do anything to protect you, just as if I birthed you myself.

As for other things in my life? They are just things or events that have happened to me that have taught me very important lessons.... I frequently touch on them and there is no need to go into too much detail.... I just know that with people that have come into and out of my life, I have learned that to this day my inner strength still hasn't met it's limit. I know that I am a strong woman, even if I doubt my own strength at times.

My house is falling apart, but I have a house, and I make it a home. My bills are high, but lower then they have been in years because I've finally learned how to pay stuff off. My health has certain issues, but I'm not dying. I'm over all very healthy and I am working to make those other problems go away. I bitch because I'm "too busy" but I know that I'm too busy because I'm surrounded by friends. Friends that desire to spend time with me, and that makes me feel very special and appreciated. I complain because I have a lot to do up at the kids' school, but I get to be involved in their education and watch them grow.

John-- You are not my first love but yes, my only love. I know that this family causes you a lot of busy times and leaves a lot less time for yourself. I won't say thank you though. It's what I assumed you sacrificed because you loved me, and all of our children, and every crazy minute of every crazy day that comes with it. I only hope you still see the brighter sides and that you still have dreams that have me in them....


Does your life trouble you? Do you frequently think of things that you could be or should be? Do you feel like life is passing you by and your wasting your time with trivial family things? Do you feel trapped?

Well if you do.... it's ok to feel this way once in a while.... but if it becomes a constant daily thought that your life is holding you back from what you want to be.... then maybe you should re-evaluate your life and the choices you have made.

I just did.

And I'm perfectly content to be where I am, right here, right now. Do I complain and bitch each day about my many tasks and how tired I am? Yep. Sure do. But each night I go to sleep content and wake up each morning ready to roll. Do I have plans and dreams of the future? You bet, and I honestly don't believe I'm wasting my life away right now, I believe that I'm just following a path to my plans and my dreams....in essence, just living my life.

Sunday, May 22, 2011

My Body, My Hair, My Mystery....

I was chatting with a friend last week and she inquired as to how I was doing and that she was worried about me....

I don't think a lot of you know but last February my hair started to fall out in bald patches.

Yeah, sounds fun right?

And most of you DO know that I'm a nurse, with a brain that doesn't stop until I find some kind of logical and reasonable answer to medical mysteries :)

So I started telling that friend all the testing and theories that I have pondered and discussed with varying doctors and nurse practitioners... she said, "You should write a blog about that! I'm a woman and I didn't know a lot of that!" :)

SO here we go....

When I first found out about my hair, I saw a few doctors and was generally dismissed. Some of them referred to me being crazy, others said, "it's just stress", others said you sometimes just can't explain random hair loss.

(Side Note: I work with some of these doctors and was a little taken a back at how I was dismissed. So, they trust me with their other patients care but when I have questions and want to look at my own health I'm dismissed? Makes me feel like a very very small person, just so you know....) (Also made me doubt some of the people and places I have previously believed in)

In the end of the first round of doctors, I decided that sorry bitches, I don't buy any of the crap you just tried to feed me.

I had my Thyroid tested (which I actually had to go thru my chiropractor to get the tests ordered).... and my thyroid is a thing of beauty :)

Then one evening, my husband said, "It HAS to have something to do with your IUD." BAM. Hubby, you are oh so smart sometimes :) I had an IUD for approximately 6 years. SO I began to research this....

This is where my post may become confusing because a lot of us females are TRULY unaware of just WHAT hormones do to our bodies and how certain methods of birth control can affect us. I will try to explain this as best I can but I hope this reaches some females somewhere and makes us all a little more aware of how important it is to pay attention to our bodies....

We females need 2 main hormones for us to BE FEMALE. They are Estrogen and Progesterone. Hormones are such a mystery though, even to me, as a nurse! The levels of them change continuously through out our monthly cycles and many doctors and medical professionals are unaware of how a fluctuation in our hormones can affect our entire bodies.... not to mention, we have all become MODERN and we have taken it upon ourselves to mess with our hormone levels with birth control to prevent unwanted pregnancies....

Enter in the Mirena IUD (which I had). It contains a FAKE hormone called Progestin. This Progestin mimics and replaces a woman's natural ability to produce Progesterone. Progesterone is VERY important for many many reasons with in our bodies. I had the Mirena for approximately 6 years....

Once I had the IUD removed.... my hair started falling out a few months later....


So instead of a doctor, I went through an advanced practice nurse practitioner who actually sat down with me and has committed herself to helping me try to find out why I have this sudden and random alopecia. I had my hormones tested and low and behold, my levels are low. I have also had varying other symptoms such as night sweats, hot flashes, "foggy thinking", etc. Turns out, low levels of progesterone or estrogen can cause these too.... Bottom line, she offered for me to start a natural progesterone cream to supplement my lack of progesterone. I asked her if it was ok to wait for 3 months or so to see if my body can figure out how to make more on its own.... Not that I don't appreciate her advise, but I pondered that if I supplemented my natural production with Progestin for 6 years, wouldn't I be doing the same by putting progesterone cream on my body? So for now, I am suffering through watching my hair fall out, all in the hopes that the torment I put my body through will subside and it will heal itself....

There are many things about this that bother me though....

Think about it. Most females are on some type of hormone from teenage years through menopause! So how can we really know the exact effects of what we are doing to ourselves if we mask it the entire time.... I will admit, I am lucky. My husband "took care of business" so we won't have anymore kids... So at the age of 31 I am free to be completely off birth control, completely off fake hormones, and I have no fears or worries of pregnancy right now.

BUT for those females that have to protect themselves from pregnancy, what are we doing to our bodies? What effect do these long term birth controls have on our bodies? Have you researched all the side effects? What do you chose to suffer through all for the sake of convenience? How will we ever know the answers to these questions if we use fake hormones from such a young age until we virtually reach menopause?

My hair loss isn't the only thing that happened.... I started to get large boils on my face about the same time I had the IUD put in. I saw doctors and dermatologists and was told it was adult onset cystic acne, here's a life time supply of antibiotics to control it.... but guess what? I took that IUD out, and I haven't had a boil since.... Makes you wonder huh?

Bottom line ladies.... think about it. Take charge of your healthcare. If you have problems and you think it may be hormone related, look into it. Don't let anyone knock the wind out of your sails until you feel like you have a grasp on your situation or an answer...

And last but not least, pay attention to your body :)

Sunday, May 8, 2011

Honoring Our Mothers

Thoughts on being a Mother on Mother's Day....

To my children....

You are my life, you are my joy. You are my sorrow and my anger. You are the miracles that I was blessed to be able to create with in my womb, with in my body. My body created and gave shelter to your first cell, your first heart beat, your first feelings of connection to another human being. My body nourished you and housed you for your ten little fingers and ten little toes to take shape, for your bodies to grow, and for your minds to form and bring you to the beautiful children that you are today. My body fed you, kept you warm, and kept you safe. You are me. You are the only single thing in this world that I would give my own life for. You are part of me and all of me...

While I appreciate the cards with the glitter and the beautiful flowers, I appreciate you more.... For me, Mother's Day is everyday. It is all the little smiles I see and the playful giggles I hear. It is all the sadness I feel when you are hurt. It is also the anger and discipline I share as I mold and help to shape the men you will be in the future.

Always remember.... everything I have done with you and for you was done with love from every ounce of my being.


To my Mother....

Mom, oh how I respect the love and nourishment you gave to me. You also helped to mold and create the person that I am today. My attitude, my caring, my craziness, my love... you made me into the woman I am proud to be today. Just as my body has nourished my own children, I know that I am a product of that nourishment myself. You gave me life and I will forever be grateful for your love.


To all my other Mom's....

There are many of you. All the strong and beautiful mother's out there that help to give me guidance and knowledge, you are wonderful. Whether you are my friends, mother-in-law, or mentor.... you are also a part of me. Mother's do share a common bond and I am happy to share this bond with all the Mother's in my life. We are all in this together, raising our children and sharing knowledge from one woman to another. We are each other's shoulders to cry on, ears to vent to, and encouragement in difficult times. You all have a special place in my heart and to you I wish you happiness today and everyday.


To our Mother Earth....

Of course I can't forget this Mother neither. After all, we as Mother's are a part of Mother Earth as well. Today, on Mother's Day, I will spend part of the day buried in your beauty. Digging in the dirt to provide the seed that you will house and nourish so that I can do the same for my children. Through you I see the beauty of being a Mother myself. I see my connection with nature and with the miracle of creation and providing for others.

I can't think of a better Mother's Day then planting my garden and by realizing how much as Mother's we are like the Earth....


I hope all the mother's I know have a beautiful day, not just today, but everyday that we are allowed to be Mother's.

"The most beautiful word on the lips of mankind is the word “Mother,” and the most beautiful call is the call of “My mother.” It is a word full of hope and love, a sweet and kind word coming from the depths of the heart. The mother is everything – she is our consolation in sorrow, our hope in misery, and our strength in weakness. She is the source of love, mercy, sympathy, and forgiveness….
Everything in nature bespeaks the mother. The sun is the mother of earth and gives it its nourishment of heart; it never leaves the universe at night until it has put the earth to sleep to the song of the sea and the hymn of birds and brooks. And this earth is the mother of trees and flowers. It produces them, nurses them, and weans them. The trees and flowers become kind mothers of their great fruits and seeds. And the mother, the prototype of all existence, is the eternal spirit, full of beauty and love."
--Kahlil Gibran

Wednesday, April 27, 2011

Screw the Life Bombs

Yep, Screw all the life bombs I've had recently....

I was reading my blogs on my blogroll today and I read Anniegirl1138's post about Dating a Widower which led me to this gentlemen's blog and how he is collecting stories about dating a widower....

This made me reflect a bit... my old blog has many many posts about being a widow, how to deal with some of it, and my thoughts at that time. I finally ventured away from that blog because I feel like I have evolved as a person. Sure, I'm still a "widow" by definition but I am very happily remarried and my life is not the same one it was back then...

Then I read one of my post from all the way back in January of 2008.... Blessed Twice... Here's a refresher if you missed it....

"So I've learned something else lately....

After Ryan died I had a good many thoughts running through my head about the concepts of love, partnership, being alone, being independent, being strong, and I'm sure many other things but those are just a few....

Ryan was my best friend.... he was a one in a million kind of man that other men want to look up to or want to follow in his footsteps. When he was taken I couldn't believe how unfortunate it was that I had found something so great and lost something that I wondered if I would ever find again....

There were a few trial and errors in the time following. In a long discussion one night with a close friend I was informed (in close to the exact quote)... "Dana, you realize you are a BIG package. You have a lot that comes with being in a relationship with you. You have 3 boys, little boys, and a lot on your plate." I was also told that I had too high of standards for a partner. That I expected too much from one person.

So I sat down and I went over these things in my ever churning mind. I came to a few conclusions about myself....

1. If a man loves me, and not my children, then I can't love him back.... my friend said it right. I AM a BIG package.... but it's MY package and I will never trade my love for the love of my children. They are my life and I am their future.
2. A man can treat my children wonderful but if I'm not happy, then the only place for him is friendship. I will not sacrifice my own happiness of loving someone when it can be a great friendship and still not hurt my children.
3. I am very happy being single for as long as I need to be. I have no problem with having many friends in my life, all of which are there for different reasons. I learned to satisfy my emotional and physical needs from a wide variety of people who are all still in my life today.
4. I will not let my children really know someone unless I am comfortable with it. I will not scar them and have men walking in and out of there lives to satisfy my own needs or wants.
5. I can be a single mother. I don't NEED someone to take their father's place. They have a dad and no one can replace this. He may not be here but I still am and it's my job to care for them.
6. When and if a man is ready to take me and my package on, it also comes with Ryan. His pictures are still up, we speak his name daily, and his children will know who he was, if at least in spirit.

So with all these things..... I sat out on a road of contentment. I was perfectly happy going to bed at night alone. I was perfectly happy with just making new friends and keeping in touch with old ones. I am financially stable and smart enough to not depend on a partner anymore....

Until I met you, John. You fit into my friend category for a long time. We were music buddies, coffee buddies, beer buddies, hanging out in my front yard in PJ's buddies.... for half a year you were just a great person the I was getting to know. I was hell bent on being single and being ok.... until one day it hit me.... I really loved you.

Some how you became that person to me. I let you get to know my boys and you surpassed any of those expectations. You are a wonderful father to your own daughter and you treat my children the same. You have NEVER batted an eye when it comes to them. You laugh and play with them as well as you teach them responsibility and accountability. You treat them as you treat your own. I am proud and confident that you will remain in their lives no matter where our lives take us.... but that brings me to us. You are incredible. You love me like only one other person has before. You accept me for every little part of me. You accept me with Ryan still present in my everyday thoughts and words. You have never made me feel like I have to explain to you how important he was.... You make me realize my own good and my faults. You encourage my independence but are always there for me when I need help. You have never let me down when I have needed you. You make every single day better just waking up next to you. I feel more alive right now then I have for a long time and I have you to thank for that. You also delight me in more ways then you know. I laugh more easily with you then with anyone else. I feel electrified when you look at me, hold me, embrace me, and kiss me. The words you speak to me, and write to me, and whisper to me are better then any flowers or diamonds you could ever buy me. And the best part is that you were my friend first. I feel like I fell in love with you knowing what I needed to know that would make us last and for a long time. And I feel very special thinking about us because I realize I have been blessed twice. I have found not only a one in a million but two in a million and it's amazing. I look forward to knowing even more about you and planning bits of our future with you. I am more in love with you then I thought would be possible for a long time and i am proud to tell the world every bit of this-- especially you."

To which John rebutted with....

"I've been thinking about this blog since you first gave me the opportunity to read it, the moment I felt the tear well in the corner of my eye and I wiped it away spryly for as to not let you see and I had the immense rush of butterflies fill my belly and felt my heart pounding in my chest. No one has ever put into words such kind things about me in my entire life. I love you for that, for the feeling that you give me, the feelings that I feel to my very core. And so, I felt it was time for my rebuttal, mind all of you reading this, it is very likely that my words are less likely to be eloquent and as well thought out as Dana's...I'm a bit of a rambler when I write...sorry.

But to begin, I wanted to say something about you being a "big package". I've never had that feeling at all you are not a "big package". I think of you more as a big present, the kind you get at Christmas, the one that your parents hide from you until everyone is done opening all of their gifts, and they come into the living room with one more gift for you, the one you really wanted, impeccably wrapped with a giant bow on it. You are a big present, the kind you've waited your whole life for, the one that you feel blessed to receive. Your love is that gift, one that I get to open everyday and see what's inside, the one I've always wanted. But, you are right, Dana, it's a big present, one I absolutely love. I get to spend nearly everyday with your wonderful children, who are in every sense of the word absolutely wonderful. I get to play broomball with your boys in the living room, I get to teach Izeah how to make eggs and teach Zak about making coffee and the importance of using lots of scoops. I've got to build a snowman with them and watch them laugh jubilantly as they sled down a hill of fluffy white snow. I got to have a big boy breakfast with Zane and tell him about the importance of using a fork. I get to hear them laugh and smile and be at the bottom of the dog pile. These things are not a package, they are gifts...gifts that I feel blessed for everyday. I get to hear all three of your boys dote on my own daughter every time her name is mentioned. I am the one who feels blessed here.

I also feel very blessed to hear the words that you speak of Ryan, a man I never met, but I see everyday in the eyes of his children. A man I admire from everything I've ever heard of him. It is a blessing of mine that you share the love you have for him with me when you speak his name. For me it is not a sense of accepting but more of the "big present" I get to open everyday.

But like your words, that brings me to you and the blessing that I feel for having you in my life. Saying you are amazing is an understatement. You are incredible and more. You love me for every little piece of me...even the pieces I hide from others....my reserve, my mystery, my dorkiness, my obsession with the food network....to name a few...these are all things that you love me for...things that make me, me. You are a beautiful woman (stop shaking your head) that I am always happy to stand next to (even when you wear really tall heels), a woman who's smile lights up my world, with beautiful lips that I can never stray too far from....I catch myself walking away from you only to return very abruptly to feel your lips once again. I feel at ease, calm, at peace with my spirit, and graceful being in your presence. I can honestly say I've never felt better or more complete in my entire life. Every challenge that poses itself to me, feels minuscule in nature with you by my side. Everyday is more joyous with you in my life. As I go through the most recent change in my life, I'm excited to have you with me and by my side. And we were friends first, I got to know you on a strictly platonic level as we negotiated our lives to come to a place where I could be completely comfortable giving you all of me, my heart, my love, without reserve or hesitation. We spent many days together drinking coffee or beer talking about music and laughing about life...but now we get to do the same thing with a new and beautiful twist on our friendship....we get to be in love. I feel blessed that we share many of the same goals and dreams and my dreams all are brighter with you and the big present that you are in them.

You are a blessing to me, all of you, you as a big present and all. I spent many moments in my life praying for the blessing of love, when I was ready to become part of my life. This is one blessing that I thank God for every single day. The blessing of you, my big present, you Dana. "

So why did I repost all this?

Because I still love him the exact same way. I think lately, with all my little Life Bombs going off, we sometimes get wrapped up in our lives and we forget to share how much we love each other in our daily routines....

This was just a beautiful reminder to me that I am loved and very fortunate to have married the same wonderful person who wrote half of the above words.... and yes, we still share this same love. Sure, it has grown now and of course not everyday is all roses and sunshine, but this love is still there. In every ounce of my being, I still feel this love every single day.