My 2010 Disappointments

I suppose this might be the obligatory post that I'm supposed to write after the new year but I suck at those kinds of posts so instead, I shall flog myself.

2010 was a very decent year... as are all years in the whole grand scheme of things. I used to believe that "bad" years are put behind us and a new year meant hoping for a "good" year BUT... I now believe that's a load of crap :) We all have years that are good and bad, and they all fade into one long running memory that shapes and molds us into new little person's whenever we so chose to let it happen....

That being said, I shall finish with my self flogging here.

I have been very moody lately and it has a lot to do, I believe, with the reflections I did do for myself of the past year.... So I'm going to a construct a "How I disappointed MYSELF" list and see if I can jump start my happy little tooshie into re-directing myself back onto the right track.

1. DIET

WHAT I BELIEVE:

For the longest time, I have been trying to find a better diet for my family and for myself. I have a horrid DISLIKE for Western Culture and the eating habits taught and associated with it. The American diet is full of nothing but junk. Processed foods, meat with hormones, government controlled crops, fat, etc. I believe this diet is one of THE MAIN contributing factors to poor mental and physical health, medication abuse, and is the root cause of many ailments that plague us as a society today.

WHAT HAPPENED THIS YEAR:

I have failed, and failed miserably. With the increase in activity in our lives, I have taken the easy way out. McDonald's and quick fix processed food dinners have become my crutch. And that's their job.... they are in business to be this crutch for the too-busy-lifestyle. As a result, I feel stressed, we have all been more "ill" then normal, and I generally feel like crap. I even had to get rid of a lot of our garden produce due to the fact that I didn't have suitable time to care for, harvest, and properly store many of the delicious and natural things I produced for the year.

WHAT I PLAN TO DO:

It's time to step back and take a breath. I am currently going to read, "Primal Blueprint" by Mark Sisson and I hope it inspires me. I will get better at meal planning. I will get better at discussing what is for dinner the day BEFORE said dinner instead of 5 minutes before it has to be on the table. I have pinpointed some of mine and my families ailments and I will be altering our diet to help with these ailments instead of continually digesting medication that doesn't FIX the problem but just hides us from being in touch with our bodies.

2. MADE BY HAND AND CREATION

WHAT I BELIEVE:

I believe that something home made is 100% better then anything you may purchase from mass production. It also enables the brain. To create things home made you have to learn the skill, take the time, and physically do the work. It also can create a greater sense of satisfaction. I don't know about you but when I BUY a hat, I simply make the purchase. Now, learning to knit a hat??? That takes time and skill, and when I'm done with it, the satisfaction must cause a boost in Serotonin because I literally am HAPPY. Also, my mind must be FREE to create. I can't very well create or make products if all I can think of is how tired I am, how much "stuff" I have to do, etc.

WHAT HAPPENED:

Once again, busy busy busy! When I am busy, my mind has NO desire to create. I KNOW I can paint one helluva picture but if you put a blank canvas in front of stressed out me, I will produce nothing. My mind is simply too busy to create. We have been buying more things then necessary for this house, all due to lack of time and interest in seeing if there is an alternative to spending money in a mass consumer driven market. We are purchasing purchasing purchasing and it is horrible. We have spent more money then is necessary, we don't take care of things like we used to, and we have been utilizing the concept of "quick fix" versus patience and creation.

WHAT I PLAN TO DO:

Yep, belts will be tightened. I am tired of wasting money money on products that have no value to me as a person and that will break. It's the story of stuff peoples.... the more you buy, the more it breaks, the more we buy again. It's a nasty ass cycle of consumption and we will be sitting back and start making better decisions about purchases around here. There will be no more of this, "I need **fill in the blank**, so I'm going to Walmart." Instead, when we need to purchase things, we will start by discussing those "things" necessity. Do we REALLY need this item? Or do we THINK we need this item. What is the price? Can we make it ourselves? Can we survive with OUT this item? Yes, my family, the belts shall tighten. (John, don't roll your eyes too much please :)

3. MY NEUROSIS

WHAT I BELIEVE:

I have always been OCD a tad. I DO believe in a clean house (everything has a place). Yet I used to understand that messes will happen, things will become disorganized, and chores may take some time to complete.

WHAT HAPPENED:

I have done lost it. I have let my OCD come straight up to the surface and it is unhealthy for myself and my children. I have become extremely stressed about keeping up with "housework" and "cleaning". I have become so obsessed with it that I have forgotten that the time I am taking to clean and organize could be time better spent with my children and family. I find myself yelling at the children a lot more, and for what? Because they are children? Because they PLAY with things? I have let a "clean house" become my focus. I have let my neurotic attitude take over my conscious decisions. I am BAD.

WHAT I PLAN TO DO:

Ok, this one is a 50/50 thing. Yes, the house will still be clean... I can't function in a complete mess. Yet, I am OVER being so anal about it! My brain needs a break and my kids need that break as well!

4. MY ENVIRONMENTAL ACTIONS

WHAT I BELIEVE:

I believe Global Warming is very real and very scary. I believe that I should do everything in my power to leave a very small carbon footprint on this earth. I believe Bill McKibben. I want to learn more about this and dive into it head first. I believe we should promote and support all political and societal actions that directly affect global warming and climate change. I believe that one person can make a difference here by educating others and helping where and when needed.

WHAT HAPPENED:

I have been a very very BAD environmentalist as of lately. Of course I still recycle and the major things but I have stopped progressing forwards in learning how else I can affect the earth less. I have been very disposable and un-ecofriendly in the last 6 months. I have been driving and not walking, I have been throwing stuff away, I have been "whatever is easier is better". This is probably one of the bigger disappointments for myself really.

WHAT I PLAN TO DO:

Watch out biotches! I am BACK. I am ashamed of how I have been living and it's going to stop RIGHT NOW. I am going to re-read "Eaarth" and my butt is heading to the library once again to arm myself with invaluable knowledge to keep me just uncomfortable enough to kick start my old eco friendly habits!

5. BUSY BUSY BUSY

WHAT I BELIEVE:

When I became a stay at home momma, I realized that a slower life was so much better for me and my family. I was able to take time to educate myself about interests, I learned to create "things" again, I was able to freely volunteer my time with the children, and I was able to invest time into being "bored" (really, it's an art form, and if you can't do it, you need to learn how). I believe that the more we rush and over schedule our selves, the more we forget about what exactly is important in life and we disregard what we believe in. The more hurried I am the more I spend, the worse I eat, the worse I feel, the worse my attitude is, basically, all of the above.

WHAT HAPPENED:

Me. I happened. I done let myself get way over scheduled and way too busy. I went from working on all the things I felt were important to trying to jumble all of that PLUS going back to work and volunteering to be PTA president for a school that has a SERIOUS lack of parental volunteers. I let the kids start to be over scheduled and I also forgot about the power of the word "NO".

WHAT I PLAN TO DO:

Yep folks, you guessed it.

Ok, Ok, so I'm not THAT crazy but it is time to retreat. It is time to pull back from making sure everyone else is happy and time to recenter the focus on my family and I. We are all suffering from this being to busy stuff and it's time we all had a little more happiness again. It's time for me to set boundaries. It's time to not be the "go to" person. It's time to learn how to say NO again.

6. CHRISTMAS

WHAT I BELIEVE:

I dislike Christmas. Not to say I dislike the holiday but I dislike what it has become for myself and the children. We do not practice a set religion in this house however I chose to believe that Christmas, besides it's religious implications, is a time to GIVE. It is NOT TIME TO WANT. It is the most materialistic bullshit holiday that quite literally makes me crazy. (Hmmmm..... maybe part of the reason for this blog???)

WHAT HAPPENED:

I let go. I let go of what I believe in and got caught up in just getting by. I made the obligatory Christmas List and bought everyone I was SUPPOSED to a present. I barely made any gifts by hand. I SUCKED. My children have started to fall into the horrible routine of EXPECTING presents. Literally KNOWING that they will be getting a lot of presents form a lot of people.

WHAT I PLAN TO DO:

Oh yeah, this is BIG in my world. I am very seriously entertaining the thought of BOYCOTTING CHRISTMAS next year. I have totally done the math over and over again in my head and for the money and time we spent on Christmas this year.... we could have all taken an amazing vacation and not felt pressured to be anywhere or to buy certain things. It is very hard to go against family traditions, yes, but looking at how our Christmas went, I would trade it in for cabin in the woods in Montana for a week with just the kids....

Wow. I was REALLY disappointing this past year!!

Now, before people assume this... I am not looking for a pity party and don't want anyone to say, "You're being to hard on yourself." Truth be told, I am HAPPY that these disappointments came about because when I sat down and thought about how bad and disappointing I was, it fueled my inner fire. It made me want to stand up and smack myself! Disappointments are good as long as you can sit back and tell yourself, "It's time to do much better."

SO.... veering SHARPLY back into the slow lane... it's time to implement change and I found a great way to start it off! John and I are taking a break. We found a lodge on 26 secluded acres and this little trip is a MUST DO. We need a break from all the fast paced and busy work. We need time to reconnect with each other and ourselves. I am hoping this will jump start my mind and attitude on fixing all of these little road blocks I have identified....

So until I blog again....