One choice... Four years ago....

"I am not what happened yesterday. I am what I am today. And I will be what I chose to be tomorrow."

*************

Four years ago. Yep, it was four years ago today that I was watching them try to put Ryan back together again. Which leads to tomorrow, which will be four years ago tomorrow that for one day in my life, I wasn't given this opportunity to chose what I wanted to be.

There was no choice.

The Universe said, "So sorry... you're a widow now, you get to be a single mom and raise 3 boys alone."

Yet, on this anniversary day I want to not be bitter at the Universe. I want to try to be thankful for how I have changed from this loss of choice...

Thank you for teaching me that I would like to be remembered when it's my turn by my actions, by how I care about others, and by how I gave my time and love to my children.

Thank you for giving me the strength to endure through a mental hell that is hell enough to make grown men cry and leads many others to depression and drug addiction.

Thank you for teaching me how to be more in touch with my emotions, and that is IS okay to cry.

Thank you for teaching me how to appreciate every single breath I take.

Thank you for shooting me like a sling shot into a world which I now know is never planned, counted on, nor promised.

Because of that, thank you for allowing me to now have the knowledge to try to enjoy every moment. Today I sat at a park and watched my kids play... no book, no TV, no Internet... just watching them play.

Thank you for teaching me to respect and love those in my life who respect and love me and my family.

Thank you for teaching me that it is not tolerable to have people in my life who DON'T love and respect me and my family.

Thank you for humbling me and teaching me the hard way about our own mortality.

Thank you for giving me the chance to prove to myself that I AM strong, that I WILL succeed, and that I CAN carry on.

Thank you for opening my eyes to a whole new way of living, by dreaming and making use of a more simple lifestyle.

Thank you for teaching me to be okay with myself. Just myself. Sometimes in life, all we have is ourselves and I am happy that I have found comfort in who I am.

Thank you for showing me that we ALL make choices every single day about what we want to do, how we choose to live, and who we want to be.

Thank you for teaching me to make these choices with my heart.

***********

Ryan,

I miss you. I miss you a lot this time of year. No one will ever make that pain go away. Yet I think, if you happen to be peaking in from time to time, that I am managing okay so far. Your boys are... well... they're boys. They are rambunctious, loud, fun, sweet, caring, and most of all, they are just like you were as a child. They are so smart and so in love with life. They miss you all the time too.... but don't worry, your name is on our lips each day. There is not one day that goes by that we don't speak your name. Some may have forgotten about what happened to you over time, but I never will. They will never forget neither. As long as I'm here, they will know what kind of person you were and how much it must have hurt you to have to say good bye.

Thinking of you and still loving our memories,

Dana and the Boys