Living My Life

Oh you know me... just thinking out loud here...

I'm sure many of us go through tough times.

I'm sure many of us wish our lives were different or we feel like we are lost in the "busy-ness" that is life.

I know I'm victim.

Maybe victim isn't the right word... but I can't think of another....

I've thought about this a lot in the last few years... thoughts on having lots of children and living the life that was handed to me. How it has twisted many times.... how there have been numerous forks in the road... how I think about choices I have made in the past and how they will affect my present and my future....

Yes, even the ones who appear to be "supermom".... hate to burst some bubbles but some of us supermoms don't have it all together all of the time.

So I start playing the "what if" game. What if I had made different choices? What if I had chosen different paths? Would I had more time to focus on me? Would I have more time to pursue the person that I "think" I'm meant to be? Would I have more time to pursue my hobbies and interests? Even the little things.... Would I be able to eat a quiet meal with no interruptions?

Would my life be better?

Short answer?

No.

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Life is what it is. You make choices and life happens to you. There is no controlling this. You are subject to whichever god is out there or whatever the universe has planned for you.

But every time I get upset thinking my life could have been different, I think of all the wonderful things that I DO have in my life.

Zak-- you are my first born. The VERY FIRST thing in this life that showed me what true love was. No man before you EVER could make me want to sacrifice my life for another human being... until I had you. You have blessed me with the ability to be completely selfless over and over again. You were the first step in me becoming an adult, and a mother. And tonight? I got to jump up and down with joy because you hit that ball into the outfield. You were beaming with pride. And in all the busy activities of getting to your game? It was instantly worth it to see you so proud.

Izeah-- Never in my life have I ever imagined I would have a child that is "hard to please" :) You don't just readily smile at every person who passes you by.... you are calculating and thoughtful. You have made me work so hard at so many points in my life, just to get you to smile. You have shown me what determination means. You also brighten my day with all your craziness. Tonight? You told me, "Mom, I need surgery because I have these JIGGLES" as you twitched up and down the sidewalk we were walking on.... Oh my goodness child, I about peed myself with laughter.

Zane-- My third and final child to come from my womb. With your fiery red hair and hella attitude.... you really rock my world. You are the first one to greet me every morning with out fail and the first one to make me laugh (last weekend, he was a wolf, howling at 6 AM). You are hilarious and a true joy to be around. You have also taught me that children come in all shapes and sizes. You may not be the top of your class at school, or you may stutter over your words, but you are the brightest and funniest little man I know. You have spirit, and you have energy inside you that just can't stay bottled up. Tonight? You were so thoughtful bringing Izeah's DSI to dinner, so caring to remember your brother and how "bored" he might be... you care so much that it makes me care just as much.

Kayla-- Oh my teenager... how I fear for you in this great big world. You are so intelligent and mature that I often times forget that you are only 14. I frequently try to play boss just to insure the fact that you don't grow up too fast and miss the fun things a childhood has to offer... but I remember, I remember being 14 and all I wanted to do was grow up... I get it, I really do. I know I've done my job as a parent though if you don't like me once or twice in your teenage years. Teaching you about rules and limits is my job, my job as a parent, and one I believe in. You are so beautiful though, and it scares me... you will never have to want for what other girls have.... you are truly a beautiful rose in my world and yes, I will do anything to protect you, just as if I birthed you myself.

As for other things in my life? They are just things or events that have happened to me that have taught me very important lessons.... I frequently touch on them and there is no need to go into too much detail.... I just know that with people that have come into and out of my life, I have learned that to this day my inner strength still hasn't met it's limit. I know that I am a strong woman, even if I doubt my own strength at times.

My house is falling apart, but I have a house, and I make it a home. My bills are high, but lower then they have been in years because I've finally learned how to pay stuff off. My health has certain issues, but I'm not dying. I'm over all very healthy and I am working to make those other problems go away. I bitch because I'm "too busy" but I know that I'm too busy because I'm surrounded by friends. Friends that desire to spend time with me, and that makes me feel very special and appreciated. I complain because I have a lot to do up at the kids' school, but I get to be involved in their education and watch them grow.

John-- You are not my first love but yes, my only love. I know that this family causes you a lot of busy times and leaves a lot less time for yourself. I won't say thank you though. It's what I assumed you sacrificed because you loved me, and all of our children, and every crazy minute of every crazy day that comes with it. I only hope you still see the brighter sides and that you still have dreams that have me in them....

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Does your life trouble you? Do you frequently think of things that you could be or should be? Do you feel like life is passing you by and your wasting your time with trivial family things? Do you feel trapped?

Well if you do.... it's ok to feel this way once in a while.... but if it becomes a constant daily thought that your life is holding you back from what you want to be.... then maybe you should re-evaluate your life and the choices you have made.

I just did.

And I'm perfectly content to be where I am, right here, right now. Do I complain and bitch each day about my many tasks and how tired I am? Yep. Sure do. But each night I go to sleep content and wake up each morning ready to roll. Do I have plans and dreams of the future? You bet, and I honestly don't believe I'm wasting my life away right now, I believe that I'm just following a path to my plans and my dreams....in essence, just living my life.