My Body, My Hair, My Mystery....

I was chatting with a friend last week and she inquired as to how I was doing and that she was worried about me....

I don't think a lot of you know but last February my hair started to fall out in bald patches.

Yeah, sounds fun right?

And most of you DO know that I'm a nurse, with a brain that doesn't stop until I find some kind of logical and reasonable answer to medical mysteries :)

So I started telling that friend all the testing and theories that I have pondered and discussed with varying doctors and nurse practitioners... she said, "You should write a blog about that! I'm a woman and I didn't know a lot of that!" :)

SO here we go....

When I first found out about my hair, I saw a few doctors and was generally dismissed. Some of them referred to me being crazy, others said, "it's just stress", others said you sometimes just can't explain random hair loss.

(Side Note: I work with some of these doctors and was a little taken a back at how I was dismissed. So, they trust me with their other patients care but when I have questions and want to look at my own health I'm dismissed? Makes me feel like a very very small person, just so you know....) (Also made me doubt some of the people and places I have previously believed in)

In the end of the first round of doctors, I decided that sorry bitches, I don't buy any of the crap you just tried to feed me.

I had my Thyroid tested (which I actually had to go thru my chiropractor to get the tests ordered).... and my thyroid is a thing of beauty :)

Then one evening, my husband said, "It HAS to have something to do with your IUD." BAM. Hubby, you are oh so smart sometimes :) I had an IUD for approximately 6 years. SO I began to research this....

This is where my post may become confusing because a lot of us females are TRULY unaware of just WHAT hormones do to our bodies and how certain methods of birth control can affect us. I will try to explain this as best I can but I hope this reaches some females somewhere and makes us all a little more aware of how important it is to pay attention to our bodies....

We females need 2 main hormones for us to BE FEMALE. They are Estrogen and Progesterone. Hormones are such a mystery though, even to me, as a nurse! The levels of them change continuously through out our monthly cycles and many doctors and medical professionals are unaware of how a fluctuation in our hormones can affect our entire bodies.... not to mention, we have all become MODERN and we have taken it upon ourselves to mess with our hormone levels with birth control to prevent unwanted pregnancies....

Enter in the Mirena IUD (which I had). It contains a FAKE hormone called Progestin. This Progestin mimics and replaces a woman's natural ability to produce Progesterone. Progesterone is VERY important for many many reasons with in our bodies. I had the Mirena for approximately 6 years....

Once I had the IUD removed.... my hair started falling out a few months later....

YET EVERY DOCTOR I SAW REFUSED TO AGREE THAT MY HAIR LOSS COULD BE RELATED TO MY IUD.

So instead of a doctor, I went through an advanced practice nurse practitioner who actually sat down with me and has committed herself to helping me try to find out why I have this sudden and random alopecia. I had my hormones tested and low and behold, my levels are low. I have also had varying other symptoms such as night sweats, hot flashes, "foggy thinking", etc. Turns out, low levels of progesterone or estrogen can cause these too.... Bottom line, she offered for me to start a natural progesterone cream to supplement my lack of progesterone. I asked her if it was ok to wait for 3 months or so to see if my body can figure out how to make more on its own.... Not that I don't appreciate her advise, but I pondered that if I supplemented my natural production with Progestin for 6 years, wouldn't I be doing the same by putting progesterone cream on my body? So for now, I am suffering through watching my hair fall out, all in the hopes that the torment I put my body through will subside and it will heal itself....

There are many things about this that bother me though....

Think about it. Most females are on some type of hormone from teenage years through menopause! So how can we really know the exact effects of what we are doing to ourselves if we mask it the entire time.... I will admit, I am lucky. My husband "took care of business" so we won't have anymore kids... So at the age of 31 I am free to be completely off birth control, completely off fake hormones, and I have no fears or worries of pregnancy right now.

BUT for those females that have to protect themselves from pregnancy, what are we doing to our bodies? What effect do these long term birth controls have on our bodies? Have you researched all the side effects? What do you chose to suffer through all for the sake of convenience? How will we ever know the answers to these questions if we use fake hormones from such a young age until we virtually reach menopause?

My hair loss isn't the only thing that happened.... I started to get large boils on my face about the same time I had the IUD put in. I saw doctors and dermatologists and was told it was adult onset cystic acne, here's a life time supply of antibiotics to control it.... but guess what? I took that IUD out, and I haven't had a boil since.... Makes you wonder huh?

Bottom line ladies.... think about it. Take charge of your healthcare. If you have problems and you think it may be hormone related, look into it. Don't let anyone knock the wind out of your sails until you feel like you have a grasp on your situation or an answer...

And last but not least, pay attention to your body :)

Honoring Our Mothers

Thoughts on being a Mother on Mother's Day....

To my children....

You are my life, you are my joy. You are my sorrow and my anger. You are the miracles that I was blessed to be able to create with in my womb, with in my body. My body created and gave shelter to your first cell, your first heart beat, your first feelings of connection to another human being. My body nourished you and housed you for your ten little fingers and ten little toes to take shape, for your bodies to grow, and for your minds to form and bring you to the beautiful children that you are today. My body fed you, kept you warm, and kept you safe. You are me. You are the only single thing in this world that I would give my own life for. You are part of me and all of me...

While I appreciate the cards with the glitter and the beautiful flowers, I appreciate you more.... For me, Mother's Day is everyday. It is all the little smiles I see and the playful giggles I hear. It is all the sadness I feel when you are hurt. It is also the anger and discipline I share as I mold and help to shape the men you will be in the future.

Always remember.... everything I have done with you and for you was done with love from every ounce of my being.

********************

To my Mother....

Mom, oh how I respect the love and nourishment you gave to me. You also helped to mold and create the person that I am today. My attitude, my caring, my craziness, my love... you made me into the woman I am proud to be today. Just as my body has nourished my own children, I know that I am a product of that nourishment myself. You gave me life and I will forever be grateful for your love.

********************

To all my other Mom's....

There are many of you. All the strong and beautiful mother's out there that help to give me guidance and knowledge, you are wonderful. Whether you are my friends, mother-in-law, or mentor.... you are also a part of me. Mother's do share a common bond and I am happy to share this bond with all the Mother's in my life. We are all in this together, raising our children and sharing knowledge from one woman to another. We are each other's shoulders to cry on, ears to vent to, and encouragement in difficult times. You all have a special place in my heart and to you I wish you happiness today and everyday.

********************

To our Mother Earth....

Of course I can't forget this Mother neither. After all, we as Mother's are a part of Mother Earth as well. Today, on Mother's Day, I will spend part of the day buried in your beauty. Digging in the dirt to provide the seed that you will house and nourish so that I can do the same for my children. Through you I see the beauty of being a Mother myself. I see my connection with nature and with the miracle of creation and providing for others.

I can't think of a better Mother's Day then planting my garden and by realizing how much as Mother's we are like the Earth....

********************

I hope all the mother's I know have a beautiful day, not just today, but everyday that we are allowed to be Mother's.

"The most beautiful word on the lips of mankind is the word “Mother,” and the most beautiful call is the call of “My mother.” It is a word full of hope and love, a sweet and kind word coming from the depths of the heart. The mother is everything – she is our consolation in sorrow, our hope in misery, and our strength in weakness. She is the source of love, mercy, sympathy, and forgiveness….

Everything in nature bespeaks the mother. The sun is the mother of earth and gives it its nourishment of heart; it never leaves the universe at night until it has put the earth to sleep to the song of the sea and the hymn of birds and brooks. And this earth is the mother of trees and flowers. It produces them, nurses them, and weans them. The trees and flowers become kind mothers of their great fruits and seeds. And the mother, the prototype of all existence, is the eternal spirit, full of beauty and love."

--Kahlil Gibran

Screw the Life Bombs

Yep, Screw all the life bombs I've had recently....

I was reading my blogs on my blogroll today and I read Anniegirl1138's post about Dating a Widower which led me to this gentlemen's blog and how he is collecting stories about dating a widower....

This made me reflect a bit... my old blog has many many posts about being a widow, how to deal with some of it, and my thoughts at that time. I finally ventured away from that blog because I feel like I have evolved as a person. Sure, I'm still a "widow" by definition but I am very happily remarried and my life is not the same one it was back then...

Then I read one of my post from all the way back in January of 2008.... Blessed Twice... Here's a refresher if you missed it....

"So I've learned something else lately....

After Ryan died I had a good many thoughts running through my head about the concepts of love, partnership, being alone, being independent, being strong, and I'm sure many other things but those are just a few....

Ryan was my best friend.... he was a one in a million kind of man that other men want to look up to or want to follow in his footsteps. When he was taken I couldn't believe how unfortunate it was that I had found something so great and lost something that I wondered if I would ever find again....

There were a few trial and errors in the time following. In a long discussion one night with a close friend I was informed (in close to the exact quote)... "Dana, you realize you are a BIG package. You have a lot that comes with being in a relationship with you. You have 3 boys, little boys, and a lot on your plate." I was also told that I had too high of standards for a partner. That I expected too much from one person.

So I sat down and I went over these things in my ever churning mind. I came to a few conclusions about myself....

1. If a man loves me, and not my children, then I can't love him back.... my friend said it right. I AM a BIG package.... but it's MY package and I will never trade my love for the love of my children. They are my life and I am their future.

2. A man can treat my children wonderful but if I'm not happy, then the only place for him is friendship. I will not sacrifice my own happiness of loving someone when it can be a great friendship and still not hurt my children.

3. I am very happy being single for as long as I need to be. I have no problem with having many friends in my life, all of which are there for different reasons. I learned to satisfy my emotional and physical needs from a wide variety of people who are all still in my life today.

4. I will not let my children really know someone unless I am comfortable with it. I will not scar them and have men walking in and out of there lives to satisfy my own needs or wants.

5. I can be a single mother. I don't NEED someone to take their father's place. They have a dad and no one can replace this. He may not be here but I still am and it's my job to care for them.

6. When and if a man is ready to take me and my package on, it also comes with Ryan. His pictures are still up, we speak his name daily, and his children will know who he was, if at least in spirit.

So with all these things..... I sat out on a road of contentment. I was perfectly happy going to bed at night alone. I was perfectly happy with just making new friends and keeping in touch with old ones. I am financially stable and smart enough to not depend on a partner anymore....

Until I met you, John. You fit into my friend category for a long time. We were music buddies, coffee buddies, beer buddies, hanging out in my front yard in PJ's buddies.... for half a year you were just a great person the I was getting to know. I was hell bent on being single and being ok.... until one day it hit me.... I really loved you.

Some how you became that person to me. I let you get to know my boys and you surpassed any of those expectations. You are a wonderful father to your own daughter and you treat my children the same. You have NEVER batted an eye when it comes to them. You laugh and play with them as well as you teach them responsibility and accountability. You treat them as you treat your own. I am proud and confident that you will remain in their lives no matter where our lives take us.... but that brings me to us. You are incredible. You love me like only one other person has before. You accept me for every little part of me. You accept me with Ryan still present in my everyday thoughts and words. You have never made me feel like I have to explain to you how important he was.... You make me realize my own good and my faults. You encourage my independence but are always there for me when I need help. You have never let me down when I have needed you. You make every single day better just waking up next to you. I feel more alive right now then I have for a long time and I have you to thank for that. You also delight me in more ways then you know. I laugh more easily with you then with anyone else. I feel electrified when you look at me, hold me, embrace me, and kiss me. The words you speak to me, and write to me, and whisper to me are better then any flowers or diamonds you could ever buy me. And the best part is that you were my friend first. I feel like I fell in love with you knowing what I needed to know that would make us last and for a long time. And I feel very special thinking about us because I realize I have been blessed twice. I have found not only a one in a million but two in a million and it's amazing. I look forward to knowing even more about you and planning bits of our future with you. I am more in love with you then I thought would be possible for a long time and i am proud to tell the world every bit of this-- especially you."

To which John rebutted with....

"I've been thinking about this blog since you first gave me the opportunity to read it, the moment I felt the tear well in the corner of my eye and I wiped it away spryly for as to not let you see and I had the immense rush of butterflies fill my belly and felt my heart pounding in my chest. No one has ever put into words such kind things about me in my entire life. I love you for that, for the feeling that you give me, the feelings that I feel to my very core. And so, I felt it was time for my rebuttal, mind all of you reading this, it is very likely that my words are less likely to be eloquent and as well thought out as Dana's...I'm a bit of a rambler when I write...sorry.

But to begin, I wanted to say something about you being a "big package". I've never had that feeling at all you are not a "big package". I think of you more as a big present, the kind you get at Christmas, the one that your parents hide from you until everyone is done opening all of their gifts, and they come into the living room with one more gift for you, the one you really wanted, impeccably wrapped with a giant bow on it. You are a big present, the kind you've waited your whole life for, the one that you feel blessed to receive. Your love is that gift, one that I get to open everyday and see what's inside, the one I've always wanted. But, you are right, Dana, it's a big present, one I absolutely love. I get to spend nearly everyday with your wonderful children, who are in every sense of the word absolutely wonderful. I get to play broomball with your boys in the living room, I get to teach Izeah how to make eggs and teach Zak about making coffee and the importance of using lots of scoops. I've got to build a snowman with them and watch them laugh jubilantly as they sled down a hill of fluffy white snow. I got to have a big boy breakfast with Zane and tell him about the importance of using a fork. I get to hear them laugh and smile and be at the bottom of the dog pile. These things are not a package, they are gifts...gifts that I feel blessed for everyday. I get to hear all three of your boys dote on my own daughter every time her name is mentioned. I am the one who feels blessed here.

I also feel very blessed to hear the words that you speak of Ryan, a man I never met, but I see everyday in the eyes of his children. A man I admire from everything I've ever heard of him. It is a blessing of mine that you share the love you have for him with me when you speak his name. For me it is not a sense of accepting but more of the "big present" I get to open everyday.

But like your words, that brings me to you and the blessing that I feel for having you in my life. Saying you are amazing is an understatement. You are incredible and more. You love me for every little piece of me...even the pieces I hide from others....my reserve, my mystery, my dorkiness, my obsession with the food network....to name a few...these are all things that you love me for...things that make me, me. You are a beautiful woman (stop shaking your head) that I am always happy to stand next to (even when you wear really tall heels), a woman who's smile lights up my world, with beautiful lips that I can never stray too far from....I catch myself walking away from you only to return very abruptly to feel your lips once again. I feel at ease, calm, at peace with my spirit, and graceful being in your presence. I can honestly say I've never felt better or more complete in my entire life. Every challenge that poses itself to me, feels minuscule in nature with you by my side. Everyday is more joyous with you in my life. As I go through the most recent change in my life, I'm excited to have you with me and by my side. And we were friends first, I got to know you on a strictly platonic level as we negotiated our lives to come to a place where I could be completely comfortable giving you all of me, my heart, my love, without reserve or hesitation. We spent many days together drinking coffee or beer talking about music and laughing about life...but now we get to do the same thing with a new and beautiful twist on our friendship....we get to be in love. I feel blessed that we share many of the same goals and dreams and my dreams all are brighter with you and the big present that you are in them.

You are a blessing to me, all of you, you as a big present and all. I spent many moments in my life praying for the blessing of love, when I was ready to become part of my life. This is one blessing that I thank God for every single day. The blessing of you, my big present, you Dana. "

So why did I repost all this?

Because I still love him the exact same way. I think lately, with all my little Life Bombs going off, we sometimes get wrapped up in our lives and we forget to share how much we love each other in our daily routines....

This was just a beautiful reminder to me that I am loved and very fortunate to have married the same wonderful person who wrote half of the above words.... and yes, we still share this same love. Sure, it has grown now and of course not everyday is all roses and sunshine, but this love is still there. In every ounce of my being, I still feel this love every single day.

That 1 Guy

Soooo..... a friend texted me asking if That 1 Guy came to The Redstone Room, would I come?

HELLZ YES.

Now, we need to drum up a following and about 100 people that say they would come see him! I, personally am going to contact him about doing a small presentation at the kids school as well..... he's THAT amazing.

He plays a Magic Pipe.

We have followed him all over the country and John and I work Street Team for him as well. We've seen him in Florida, Chicago, and Iowa City to name a few. Every performance is awesome. I am in awe of his musical brilliance and sheer intelligence at playing his self-made musical instrument. He's F%^&ing awesome. Period.

You can find him HERE

Here are some pics of us seeing him.....

And if you have time.... here are a few videos of some of his live performances. I HIGHLY suggest watching his "Somewhere Over the Rainbow" rendition. It is lengthy in time but seriously calming music to your ears....

The UN-Educated Education

Right now, in conjunction with figuring out a far more healthy diet, I am also obsessed with Indian food. Oooooooohhhh baby... num num num.

SO I've started looking into recipes and the traditional manner in which to prepare certain Indian dishes I have come to like over time.... which today found me talking to a friend, who is Indian, and whose parents are native to India.

In the course of our conversation today she was sharing that Indian cooking is pretty much an all consuming task. You cook from sun up until sun down, well, the females do, and the men tend to the crops, livestock, etc. By the time you have prepared a dish, eaten the meal, and cleaned up, it is time to start the NEXT meal of the day.

And as a side note, she mentions, "Well... it's what they DO. They're not really, you know, educated."

Hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm.....

Isn't it amazing how ONE sentence can just cause your brain to go into a tail spin of thought???

Ok, maybe not yours, but it sure did mine :)

As I've been dissecting my relationship with food, and our lifestyle at the same time, that ONE sentence really struck me as odd.

That one statement holds A LOT of truth.... A truth that, in the past, I have viewed as negative. But now I think, why? Why is being NOT educated so negative?

The truth is that yes, many uneducated people spend a lot of their time doing SIMPLE things. They live their lives for the fulfillment of their basic bodily needs. They tend the crops, and they spend a daytime preparing the meals. They use ingredients that are on hand and mostly local. They spend GOOD QUALITY time preparing nutritious and unprocessed meals. Meals made from scratch and with, I can only assume, raw and organic ingredients. Those uneducated people spend time together in meal preparation talking, sharing, and bonding. They also spend time outside doing healthy and honest work, in the sun and in the dirt. They are physically active. (Yes, gardening is a very physical activity... and if you doubt me, grow one, I dare you too.)

The flip side of this truth? Well let's see.... I'm educated. And I can certainly tell you what this education has done to me.... My education was so that I could have a job. This job in turn provides me with money, that I spend on food at the grocery store, mostly on food that is NOT raw, organic, nor nutritious in nature. My education has reduced the time in which I can prepare these meals as well... since being educated leads to being involved in many other activities outside of a job. Let's just keep it going now.... where did I get my education? Well I'm so glad you asked! I received an education that is controlled by our government. This is also the same government that controls most of the production of the most unhealthy foods I eat! Anyone ever wonder WHY the government created a food pyramid that says we should eat mostly grains? Think about it peoples... where do you think corn/wheat/soy farmers receive their subsidies from?

Yep, I'm THAT educated. And so are you!

I also find it absolutely amazing that the MORE I keep educating myself, the more I realize how being UNeducated might have it's glowing points. Now I must step back a tad bit here.... I'm not saying, gee, I wish I was raised stupid. I am very thankful I have an education.

BUT in looking at these uneducated practices.... I want to learn from them, not shame them. I want to dissect if they are TRULY uneducated, or if they are actually more intelligent in some ways then we are in Western societies. Research is proving that some of these uneducated people actually DO hold the key... they are called Blue Zones in case you are wondering... in these Blue Zones... these uneducated and poor people actually live healthier, live longer, have very little stress, and live a full and happy life.

Now how about that?

Weekend Away

Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh............

Yes, exactly how I was able to relax last weekend.

I warned ya, life is slowing down around here and we kicked it off with a weekend of rest and relaxation with just Mommy and Johnny.

It was grand.

I want that every weekend.

:)

It was perfect.

We found a nice little 3 bedroom lodge right on the out skirts of Mineral Point, WI. MapleWood Lodge. Just one lodge, nothing fancy. 3 bedrooms on 26 secluded acres. Total SILENCE.

The lodge was fantastic. It had so many rooms to sit and relax in that John and I could barely decide where to plant our tooshies the first night.

(Amazing Living Room)

Turns out my favorite spot was right by the front door.... 2 chairs, a little table, my books, my knitting, and 2 beautiful windows to watch the sun rise and fall from....

There were so many little quirks too.... I think I spent each day just walking around the house for a little while noticing all the oddities that made it so unique...

And yes... we had TIME. Time to cook the most perfect and splendid breakfast on Saturday morning in this kitchen.......

Eggs Benedict from scratch, YUMMO. I fixed up a little Olive Oil based Spinach Cole Slaw on the side for mine....

Your mouth is watering now right??? I know, mine is too...

We got to go see House on the Rock as well.

We went in the off season so we got a limited guided tour but I am positive that my kids are going this summer... it's pretty awesome. I love JUNK. Just love love love it! Yet, I met a man who loved junk more!

We unfortunately forgot out good camera on this trip but my phone did so-so OK....

(This was in the Women's Bathroom! I coulda peed with the stall door open!)

(Stained glass was present EVERYWHERE)

(Anything Musical is just incredible... After John watched this his exact quote was, "My mind is blown." :)

I swear Alex Jordan did multiple drugs... it was amazing. It's a place you should really see on a daytime adventure if you haven't already :) The only down side was the GUIDED tour. I'm not much of a guided tour fan... sure, it has it's moments, like if you have a question, you do have someone who knows more then you do available for an answer but hey... I have Google on my phone.

SO yeah, summertime it's my goal with the kiddos.... and I'll bring a better camera too :)

In conclusion... relaxation was acheived. Returning to the real world was hard. However, my attitude is much better and I am definintly re-focused.

Awesome.

My 2010 Disappointments

I suppose this might be the obligatory post that I'm supposed to write after the new year but I suck at those kinds of posts so instead, I shall flog myself.

2010 was a very decent year... as are all years in the whole grand scheme of things. I used to believe that "bad" years are put behind us and a new year meant hoping for a "good" year BUT... I now believe that's a load of crap :) We all have years that are good and bad, and they all fade into one long running memory that shapes and molds us into new little person's whenever we so chose to let it happen....

That being said, I shall finish with my self flogging here.

I have been very moody lately and it has a lot to do, I believe, with the reflections I did do for myself of the past year.... So I'm going to a construct a "How I disappointed MYSELF" list and see if I can jump start my happy little tooshie into re-directing myself back onto the right track.

1. DIET

WHAT I BELIEVE:

For the longest time, I have been trying to find a better diet for my family and for myself. I have a horrid DISLIKE for Western Culture and the eating habits taught and associated with it. The American diet is full of nothing but junk. Processed foods, meat with hormones, government controlled crops, fat, etc. I believe this diet is one of THE MAIN contributing factors to poor mental and physical health, medication abuse, and is the root cause of many ailments that plague us as a society today.

WHAT HAPPENED THIS YEAR:

I have failed, and failed miserably. With the increase in activity in our lives, I have taken the easy way out. McDonald's and quick fix processed food dinners have become my crutch. And that's their job.... they are in business to be this crutch for the too-busy-lifestyle. As a result, I feel stressed, we have all been more "ill" then normal, and I generally feel like crap. I even had to get rid of a lot of our garden produce due to the fact that I didn't have suitable time to care for, harvest, and properly store many of the delicious and natural things I produced for the year.

WHAT I PLAN TO DO:

It's time to step back and take a breath. I am currently going to read, "Primal Blueprint" by Mark Sisson and I hope it inspires me. I will get better at meal planning. I will get better at discussing what is for dinner the day BEFORE said dinner instead of 5 minutes before it has to be on the table. I have pinpointed some of mine and my families ailments and I will be altering our diet to help with these ailments instead of continually digesting medication that doesn't FIX the problem but just hides us from being in touch with our bodies.

2. MADE BY HAND AND CREATION

WHAT I BELIEVE:

I believe that something home made is 100% better then anything you may purchase from mass production. It also enables the brain. To create things home made you have to learn the skill, take the time, and physically do the work. It also can create a greater sense of satisfaction. I don't know about you but when I BUY a hat, I simply make the purchase. Now, learning to knit a hat??? That takes time and skill, and when I'm done with it, the satisfaction must cause a boost in Serotonin because I literally am HAPPY. Also, my mind must be FREE to create. I can't very well create or make products if all I can think of is how tired I am, how much "stuff" I have to do, etc.

WHAT HAPPENED:

Once again, busy busy busy! When I am busy, my mind has NO desire to create. I KNOW I can paint one helluva picture but if you put a blank canvas in front of stressed out me, I will produce nothing. My mind is simply too busy to create. We have been buying more things then necessary for this house, all due to lack of time and interest in seeing if there is an alternative to spending money in a mass consumer driven market. We are purchasing purchasing purchasing and it is horrible. We have spent more money then is necessary, we don't take care of things like we used to, and we have been utilizing the concept of "quick fix" versus patience and creation.

WHAT I PLAN TO DO:

Yep, belts will be tightened. I am tired of wasting money money on products that have no value to me as a person and that will break. It's the story of stuff peoples.... the more you buy, the more it breaks, the more we buy again. It's a nasty ass cycle of consumption and we will be sitting back and start making better decisions about purchases around here. There will be no more of this, "I need **fill in the blank**, so I'm going to Walmart." Instead, when we need to purchase things, we will start by discussing those "things" necessity. Do we REALLY need this item? Or do we THINK we need this item. What is the price? Can we make it ourselves? Can we survive with OUT this item? Yes, my family, the belts shall tighten. (John, don't roll your eyes too much please :)

3. MY NEUROSIS

WHAT I BELIEVE:

I have always been OCD a tad. I DO believe in a clean house (everything has a place). Yet I used to understand that messes will happen, things will become disorganized, and chores may take some time to complete.

WHAT HAPPENED:

I have done lost it. I have let my OCD come straight up to the surface and it is unhealthy for myself and my children. I have become extremely stressed about keeping up with "housework" and "cleaning". I have become so obsessed with it that I have forgotten that the time I am taking to clean and organize could be time better spent with my children and family. I find myself yelling at the children a lot more, and for what? Because they are children? Because they PLAY with things? I have let a "clean house" become my focus. I have let my neurotic attitude take over my conscious decisions. I am BAD.

WHAT I PLAN TO DO:

Ok, this one is a 50/50 thing. Yes, the house will still be clean... I can't function in a complete mess. Yet, I am OVER being so anal about it! My brain needs a break and my kids need that break as well!

4. MY ENVIRONMENTAL ACTIONS

WHAT I BELIEVE:

I believe Global Warming is very real and very scary. I believe that I should do everything in my power to leave a very small carbon footprint on this earth. I believe Bill McKibben. I want to learn more about this and dive into it head first. I believe we should promote and support all political and societal actions that directly affect global warming and climate change. I believe that one person can make a difference here by educating others and helping where and when needed.

WHAT HAPPENED:

I have been a very very BAD environmentalist as of lately. Of course I still recycle and the major things but I have stopped progressing forwards in learning how else I can affect the earth less. I have been very disposable and un-ecofriendly in the last 6 months. I have been driving and not walking, I have been throwing stuff away, I have been "whatever is easier is better". This is probably one of the bigger disappointments for myself really.

WHAT I PLAN TO DO:

Watch out biotches! I am BACK. I am ashamed of how I have been living and it's going to stop RIGHT NOW. I am going to re-read "Eaarth" and my butt is heading to the library once again to arm myself with invaluable knowledge to keep me just uncomfortable enough to kick start my old eco friendly habits!

5. BUSY BUSY BUSY

WHAT I BELIEVE:

When I became a stay at home momma, I realized that a slower life was so much better for me and my family. I was able to take time to educate myself about interests, I learned to create "things" again, I was able to freely volunteer my time with the children, and I was able to invest time into being "bored" (really, it's an art form, and if you can't do it, you need to learn how). I believe that the more we rush and over schedule our selves, the more we forget about what exactly is important in life and we disregard what we believe in. The more hurried I am the more I spend, the worse I eat, the worse I feel, the worse my attitude is, basically, all of the above.

WHAT HAPPENED:

Me. I happened. I done let myself get way over scheduled and way too busy. I went from working on all the things I felt were important to trying to jumble all of that PLUS going back to work and volunteering to be PTA president for a school that has a SERIOUS lack of parental volunteers. I let the kids start to be over scheduled and I also forgot about the power of the word "NO".

WHAT I PLAN TO DO:

Yep folks, you guessed it.

Ok, Ok, so I'm not THAT crazy but it is time to retreat. It is time to pull back from making sure everyone else is happy and time to recenter the focus on my family and I. We are all suffering from this being to busy stuff and it's time we all had a little more happiness again. It's time for me to set boundaries. It's time to not be the "go to" person. It's time to learn how to say NO again.

6. CHRISTMAS

WHAT I BELIEVE:

I dislike Christmas. Not to say I dislike the holiday but I dislike what it has become for myself and the children. We do not practice a set religion in this house however I chose to believe that Christmas, besides it's religious implications, is a time to GIVE. It is NOT TIME TO WANT. It is the most materialistic bullshit holiday that quite literally makes me crazy. (Hmmmm..... maybe part of the reason for this blog???)

WHAT HAPPENED:

I let go. I let go of what I believe in and got caught up in just getting by. I made the obligatory Christmas List and bought everyone I was SUPPOSED to a present. I barely made any gifts by hand. I SUCKED. My children have started to fall into the horrible routine of EXPECTING presents. Literally KNOWING that they will be getting a lot of presents form a lot of people.

WHAT I PLAN TO DO:

Oh yeah, this is BIG in my world. I am very seriously entertaining the thought of BOYCOTTING CHRISTMAS next year. I have totally done the math over and over again in my head and for the money and time we spent on Christmas this year.... we could have all taken an amazing vacation and not felt pressured to be anywhere or to buy certain things. It is very hard to go against family traditions, yes, but looking at how our Christmas went, I would trade it in for cabin in the woods in Montana for a week with just the kids....

Wow. I was REALLY disappointing this past year!!

Now, before people assume this... I am not looking for a pity party and don't want anyone to say, "You're being to hard on yourself." Truth be told, I am HAPPY that these disappointments came about because when I sat down and thought about how bad and disappointing I was, it fueled my inner fire. It made me want to stand up and smack myself! Disappointments are good as long as you can sit back and tell yourself, "It's time to do much better."

SO.... veering SHARPLY back into the slow lane... it's time to implement change and I found a great way to start it off! John and I are taking a break. We found a lodge on 26 secluded acres and this little trip is a MUST DO. We need a break from all the fast paced and busy work. We need time to reconnect with each other and ourselves. I am hoping this will jump start my mind and attitude on fixing all of these little road blocks I have identified....

So until I blog again....