(5 Years Later) Hello My love...

Hello My Love....

It's been 5 years.

5 years since your sudden demise.

5 years since I told my babies that their daddy went to live someplace else....

5 years since I thought my world had ended...

And yet, it was just beginning.

I can tell you that I have manifested into a woman that all though I will never forget July 20th and July 21st, I am a woman who has learned that it no longer needs to bring me to tears.

5 years later and we are all still living and growing.

5 years later and I am proud of the children I was blessed to have with you.

I'm sorry I don't visit your grave very often..... I'll come clean... I don't like graves. I don't like talking to a piece of stone. Graves are just a "thing" in my world. I can't see you, I can't hug you.... and a grave gives me no solace. It only reinforces the fact that you are buried underneath 6 feet of dirt. But it's your body that's buried. Not you. Why would I go to a grave when I know that your spirit is everywhere.... for all I know you are standing in front of me, behind me, or right beside me.... No one knows what the ever after brings until your there... and I chose not to warp our children nor myself by crying, standing at a piece of man made stone. Your spirit is everywhere....

5 years later and I'm still striving to be part of your family...

I just took the boys to your family reunion and it meant a lot to me... I got to introduce them to their family, the family that still cared enough to invite us (thank you Kathy!!). It's very important to me that the boys stay involved and have a good knowledge of who their daddy was and where they come from... VERY important. I'm not one to ever bash family ties, however I won't take it lightly when my boys are disappointed neither.... 5 years later and I'm still holding on to a flame that your family promised to stay involved.... and I mean to keep them involved to the best of my capabilities... I won't sacrifice what we believed in and how they shall be raised, but I will always and forever honor and respect their heritage.

5 years later and I'm rather proud.

Your children are simply put, amazing. Every single one of them have you inside of them.... I can pick out each and every characteristic of how each one is like you. Every single day they push me to my limits and yet I still love to embrace them at the end of a day. Being a parent is probably the most difficult thing I've ever done in my life... especially with out their father by my side. Yet I think I'm doing OK. I think someone blessed me with the graces of treading this water without you.

5 years later and I'm happy.

I'm sure you know but there are good people in the world. There are men that will stand up and take responsibility where there is absence. I have met one of those men. Without ever having met you, he knows you, and he respects you. He has embraced me, you, and all of our children as his own life. He loves them as if they were his own.... some may scoff, some may not agree but when I see him share an embrace with Zane, Izeah, or Zak, I know for a fact that he is sincere.... and I will not get in the way of our boys having a father. We all know who their biological father is but I'm lucky enough to tell everyone I know that they have 2 fathers now... one who watches over them and one who takes care of them.... He wants to adopt them... I think I will let him :) I think you would be proud.

5 years later and I will still never forget where I was on this day 5 years ago... I think about this time I was probably out smoking (because I tend to do that a lot).... 5 years ago I was trying to wrap my head around the fact that you were dying and there was nothing, absolutely nothing, short of a miracle that could change the stars. I remember feeling numb, feeling like this was happening to someone else and not me...

5 years later I still feel all of that... but it's different now... I took what I felt and I've learned from it, grown from it. I've gone places, seen things I wanted to see, done things I've always wanted to do... I've tried to not to take life for granted. You taught me all that. You taught me the most important lesson anyone can ever learn in their life... that each day is a gift, it's a true miracle. Respect what is given to you and never ever take it for granted.

I would hope that from where ever you are you are smiling down on us... smiling down knowing that your children are in fantastic hands.... that they will live a life that you would be proud of....

I would also hope that you would be proud to know that I found love again... and that I was willing to embrace it and not hold onto a memory of you that is like holding on to the wind... it can't be done.

5 years ago today I understood what death meant....

And yet I'm still here, living this life...

I will always and forever love you, there is no doubt in my mind about that. Yet I can't love a memory, I can only love what you gave me.... I love every piece of what me and you made together, and I love the fact that you were in my life for a short time. I love what you taught me and I love how much I've grown from it....

5 years later and I'm still here... wrapped into these feelings and emotions, yet so much more intelligent and wise about how short life itself can be...

5 years later and I just want you to know that I think of you every single day. I yearn to hear your voice again and watch you pick up your children. Yet 5 years later, I get to watch another man pick up your children and love them as if he has your heart within himself....

5 years later..... I still remember... I love you... and yet, life moves on :) I love where we're at right now and all I can really say after 5 years is.... thank you.

Love,

Dana