For an obvious reason, Death is always on my mind. I suppose I'm slightly morbid but it has directly affected my life in the past and through this, I learned to embrace it as just another beautiful part of this life. Yes, It's a topic that most people don't want to discuss or consider to be inappropriate to discuss, but, when am I ever actually appropriate? ;)
Moving on now.... When Ryan died, I stopped dreaming. I don't know the actual reason why, all though I am aware that in the stages of sleep, I was probably burying my situational depression by sleeping heavily and not ever actually reaching my REM stage.... but it's whatever. I just dealt with it. Then when I started dating John, I started to dream again. Not a lot, I can now maybe still only recall one a week but at least I've been dreaming again....
Yet, the last two have bugged me a bit... Ryan keeps coming into my dreams... Now before you think I'm getting all funny, no, not like coming into my dreams with a message or anything psychic wise, but just IN the dream, as if he never left this life. The first dream, he just appeared, like he had come back from the beyond to take care of his children.... The second dream (last night) we were at his parents house and I turned around and he was standing there hugging his mother. He was dressed like John but it was him. In each dream though, I am still aware that he is dead. It's like my subconscious and my conscious are fighting in my dreams....
Then it dawned on me today.... my aunt is nearing her final stages in her fight with cancer. My mother has been filling me in and we are all aware of which road this may take for her. Of course, we hope for the best, but I've learned in my career and in life that hoping for the best yet expecting the worse is the more common sense approach to death. This aunt was probably one of my closer relatives growing up. One of the aunts I saw more and I played with her kids growing up too....
Maybe this impending sadness is what is triggering these dreams? Maybe I chose to live life most days without thinking about the ACTION of death and when it surfaces, maybe it's when I feel the closest to death via Ryan...
Either way, music has always been my savior. Music and lyrics written by talented artists can sometimes feel that void I have when I'm at a loss for words. Lately I've been in love with Mumford and Sons (thank you hubby :). They have a song called Timshel that has to be one of the best songs I have heard that I interpret to correlate with thoughts on death.... Have a listen if you care too and I even put the lyrics on for you to follow along...
So with my dreams, death, and music.... this song grants me some peace :)
Cold is the water
It freezes your already cold mind
Already cold, cold mind
And death is at your doorstep
And it will steal your innocence
But it will not steal your substance
But you are not alone in this
And you are not alone in this
As brothers we will stand and we'll hold your hand
Hold your hand
And you are the mother
The mother of your baby child
The one to whom you gave life
And you have your choices
And these are what make man great
His ladder to the stars
But you are not alone in this
And you are not alone in this
As brothers we will stand and we'll hold your hand
And no, it's not significant to me due to the correlation of the numbers. It's GLOBAL WORK PARTY DAY! You can read more about it HERE. If that didn't work.... just go to 350.org and take a look!
Today is the day that Bill McKibben asked people from ALL OVER the world to go to work for climate change. Every country, every person, despite their race, color, or religion. There is no segregation or classes or boundaries when it comes to MOTHER EARTH. We are ALL her children. We need her love and health to continue on this planet. This post goes out to every single person I know and even don't know.....
PAT ATTENTION TO OUR HOME. PAY ATTENTION TO OUR PLANET.
Now, on to the global work party.
John and I tried very hard to come up with many ideas for this fantastic day.... and we failed horribly. We wanted to hold a class and buy 35 recycled barrels and teach others how to make their own rain barrels and compost tumblers. This failed. We wanted to find 35 people to plant 10 trees each. This failed. We searched for events near us that we could participate in with our children. This failed.
All I saw was failure.
So as I lay in bed this morning.... thinking to myself.... geez, for someone who cares so deeply about this Earth, I sure did FAIL.
Then it hit me... I haven't failed at all.
I don't need ONE day to do something good for the earth. I do it everyday. At least, we TRY every. single. day. to live on this planet in a more earth-friendly way.... I'm sure if you know me or read this blog, you already know the long list of things we do every day to reduce our carbon emissions, produce less trash, and live a more healthy life style. I even have documented struggles with this on my past blog. It is truly a daily struggle to remember to be friendly to the earth as we all live our fast paced lives....
And in thinking all this... I found my global work party that I want YOU ALL TO JOIN ME IN!!!!!!!
Here's the deal:
MAKE ME (and yourself) a PROMISE.
Open your eyes. Get your head out of the dirt. Stop living the lazy, stupid, American way of life. Get your hands in the dirt. Buy a bike. Go get a recycling bin and for goodness sakes, RECYCLE! Plant a flower, plant a tree. Plan a garden for next year. Stop buying your food at Wal-mart and find a local farmer. Get a rain barrel. Compost your kitchen scraps. Read a book about climate change. Talk to your friends about climate change. Buy used. If something breaks, FIX IT! Don't buy a new one. Run your heat less. Install a wood burning stove. Learn a new hands on skill. Take a walk to the gas station, not the car. Spend time outside. Throw away "anti-bacterial" soap and buy BIODEGRADABLE SOAP.Collect your seeds from your garden. Cut down on foods that contain government regulated corn, soy, and wheat. STOP LIVING THE AMERICAN WAY.
You can all do it. Don't be afraid of work. Don't be afraid of hard work. It's not only good for the earth but good for your body as well.
NOW MAKE ME A PROMISE.
My goal today is 35 comments. I want 35 PROMISES from my friends. I want 35 people to tell me JUST ONE THING that you are going to do to recognize climate change.
Leave a comment here, or on my Facebook status. COME ON PEOPLES!!!!!!! STAND UP FOR CLIMATE CHANGE. Look at your child, or your spouse. DO you want to grow old with them? Do you want to see them grow up and have children of their own? Then this is important. More important than most of you can fathom.
SO make me a promise. In making this promise... you can be a part of this:
Last night, apparently (since I didn't see it) our metal gate swung back and hit little man square in the damn eye! I was afraid for him to remove his hand from said wound based on his amount of screaming! Once removed, he most definitely tore his eyelid! (EWWWWWWYYYY!!!!) (Yes, even as a nurse! Eyes are just something I don't deal well with, eyes and toes!) Soooo.... off to the ER we went... I figured it would need SOMETHING. It was ripped pretty good...
Well, 5 hours later, he finally received 2 stitches. However, the reason for this post is my child's AMAZING tolerance to medications! First we tried eye numbing drops. This did not work that well, so we restrained him and did a Lidocaine injection. We tried to restrain him for the stitches but failed. Zane is one STRONG little child! So we attempted oral chloral hydrate (a sedative). Nurse and I both figured ten minutes and he would be out... yeah, not so much. 40 minutes later he was still up and bouncing off the walls, so we gave 4 mg of Morphine to help the sedative. STILL up and bouncing, and on top of it he was pissed we "stuck him in the arm without telling him FIRST".... so restrained again, and yet ANOTHER injection of Lidocaine. FINALLY we were able to hold him down and convince him to let us put the 2 little stitches in.... and done.
So after thoughts here... that was A LOT of pain meds for a 5 year old child. Then it dawned on me... whenever I've had pain medication, it doesn't work so well neither. When they did my toe, the Lidocaine worked but wore off after 30 minutes give or take, and I was PROMISED 4-5 hours. When I gave birth, I had to have stitches in *ahem* my nether regions... and the Lidocaine didn't work at all... (by the way, stitches with no numbing meds aren't too bad, you just have to grin and bear it I suppose). Zane has also had surgery, like myself, and morphine is kind of like a joke... it really only makes my stomach hurt, it NEVER takes away the pain, and it didn't for Zane's surgery neither...
So what do we both have in common?
WE ARE BOTH RED HEADS.
Yep, there's a very SMALL amount of research out there about red heads and apparently, this is one of those moments where I say, "NO WAY!"... but yes way, it's being researched that we red heads have a mutated MC1R gene which the debate is still out as to if we have a high pain tolerance (which I do so they can research me :) but it does show that red heads need more anesthesia then others of different hair color! Very interesting... here's a few links if you're curious...
I went and did it again. Got my panties all worked up into a bunch over my kids, their intelligence, and school. (This still means I'm a good mother though, correct?)
At each point in Zak and Izeah's lives, I was worried as well. This is nothing new. Zak barely spoke until he was three. I let others' chit chat and worry over his lack of speech over come me and forgot to breath... I worried, read books on development, practiced "adult like speaking" to him ALL THE TIME, etc. Then one day in the kitchen, Zak looked at me and said, "Mom, can I have more juice please?" Clear. As. Day. So basically, he spoke when he was ready. (And now he's such a smarty I never worry.)
Then Izeah went to school. First Kindergarten conference didn't go so well... he was not meeting "standards" set forth by the school district. We buckled down, did flash cards, read to him some more, and by Christmas? It was almost as if a light switch just flipped in his little mind and he was completely caught up. Reading, writing, learning, meeting all of those ever important "standards".
Now it's Zane's turn. Yep, just had conferences. Not so hot, not so hot at all. So I made my little flash cards, have school supplies set to go, and it's time to buckle down once more....
I am worried of course, but last night, having "beer talks" with my husband, I realized a few things....
1. Zane is JUST FINE.
The end. :)
Ok, not really. He will need some extra help of course. I do plan on having "school" at home during their break and we will work daily on simple things I take for granted (ABC's, 123's, all of those small building blocks of knowledge)....
I just need to remember the very basic thing I learned with child number one... I need to throw away those damn parenting books and not pay so much attention to those "standards". Every single child is different and learns at different paces and in different ways. If there is truly a problem, we will know. Zane is bright, funny, inquisitive, friendly, and has a heart of gold. All things that will make him a unique and beautiful person. I need to remember that I'm going to love him whether he meets those "standards" or not. I need to remind myself to take a deep breath.
"It's important that you not try to pre-determine your child's academic future. You can fit a square peg in a round hole if you have a big enough hammer and don't care about how you go about squeezing it in. But this certainly isn't the most effective method. It would be better to find the right hole to put that peg in."
What am I? I'm a mother and a wife. I'm also a widow and very independent. I enjoy living simply and absorbing the world. I'm opinionated and thoughtful. I knit and I sew. I also consider myself a feminist. I stand up for the ones who can't do it themselves. I give all of myself to those I love daily. I like to bury my nose in a book but will speed read it in 4 hours. I hate to clean but I hate a mess. I enjoy medicine, psychology, art and people. I think human beings and the human psyche are so very interesting. I have no order to any of this that I am, it all comes out when it wants and where it wants.... and I let it.
For what is it to die but to stand naked in the wind and to melt into the sun? Only when you drink from the river of silence shall you indeed sing. And when you have reached the mountain top, then you shall begin to climb. And when the earth shall claim your limbs, then shall you truly dance.--Khalil Gibran (CLICK ON HIS PICTURE TO VISIT HIS MEMORIAL SITE)
House Work, Simple Living Projects, Goals
Siding- Get bids on new siding, figure cost of removing asbestos siding
Pay Off's- Pay off John's Jeep (DONE), Dana's Ford (DONE), Credit Card Debt, 2nd Mortgage
Zane's Room- trim/paint/bunkbeds(DONE)/windows(DONE)
Morter Basement Outside and In
Tear out Living Room and Dining Room
Garden- order seeds, maybe indoor growing rack?, expand
Re-Gravel Driveway-- small amount this year.
Fix Bathroom- trim/paint/floor/replace sink/build shelf
New Back Deck, New Front porch, New Storm Cellar Door
Finish planning trips-- Dave Matthews Caravan-- Chicago, Hisle Fam Reunion-- Missouri, John Fishing Trip, Chicago Renegade Craft Fair?, GO to Grandma Judys
Eaarth: Making a Life on a Tough New Planet by Bill McKibben
My rating: 5 of 5 stars
Amazing. Absolutely Amazing. Correlates Peak Oil and Climate Change very well. First few chapters are very morose but gives hope at the end by 3 simple things we should all learn about any way. Fantastic writer, humorous, excellent at explaining statistics so they make sense and then correlating them to events that have or are happening on our planet today. As a matter of fact, I am signing up to go see him speak!
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